I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
