i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
