I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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