I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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