How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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