Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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