I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
