separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
