He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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