That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
