The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
