3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
