Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
