Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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