Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
