Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
