Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
