You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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