Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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