I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
