Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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