So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize
