: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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