woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
