who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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