I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
