Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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