sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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