I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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