just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize