i think my mom watched the whole time
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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