Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
