I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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