I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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