She's JV to your varsity
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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