Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
