its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
why is half of my head shaved?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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