none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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