I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
