i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Holy sore nipples Batman
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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