if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize