Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
