i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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