I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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