all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
