I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
