Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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