there's paper in my vomit.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
