Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
