Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
