i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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