Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
