She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
