new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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