She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
