i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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